Don't know where to start when everything is already crushed.
I used to be good but now i'm not anymore. No. I'm not turning to bad-type but everything just feel like falling apart. I am falling apart. I'm so fucked up.
My friend (probably) said, when i told her about how i feel for these past months, i was just... exaggerated. That, everything i just told her was just me and not them or any shits i've been talking about. Or is it?
Something that i use to be good at, now i feel like i'm doing shit with it. Something that used to be never bother me now scare the hell out of me. I feel myself as me who i am not use to be. Is that bad? People change but i feel like my changes is wrong. So wrong. Should i do something about it?
I'm pretty sure i use to be a worked hard girl. I never fail my favorite subject at school. I never get scolded by teacher 'cause of stupid thing i consciously do. I never felt scared or left out.
But now i'm scared of being left out. I'm scared of how people will look at me. I'm scared if what i did not please them. Whoever they were.
Something, something makes me like this. Something broke me down. SOMETHING FUCKING BROKE ME DOWN.
I try to get up, i try to not let the shit broke me down, i swear i fucking try but it doesn't work! And i start to hating myself.
I use to write, a lot. Back when i have no laptop and i share the computer with my brother just to play a game (sometimes if i have to, homework) i write on a book. I have a lot a book from middle school where i use to write a lot of stories. I remember writing when my friend goes to canteen. I remember being silent and ignore my friend 'cause i want to write down every line i got in my head. I still have the books now tho. And when i finally have my own laptop, i type and type until my fingers hurt.
But now i can barely type down one sentence. I have to write this on saturday night, in the middle of the night, after i got my dinner out on the bathroom (ew). Saturday night, weekend, is the only time i don't have to talk with people i don't want to. I even barely talk with my mom 'cause she's busy with her own thing anyway, so i busying myself with my own thing. Fair enough.
I want my old-self back. My happy who don't-care-what-people-thing. I want to write, i want to find back my motivation to write but if i had such bad mood everytime i got home from school how am i fucking do that!? It's so annoying.
I use to write on my blog, a lot. In a month i could reach more then one posts with different subject i could talk about but now the only thing i can think is how to survive tomorrow. So sad. My blog is full of crap but i love it. It's the only place where i could express myself anonymously (if i want) or pretend like i was someone else. I need to push myself to do something. And today i push myself to update my playlist so i'm not repeating a song i kept listening every single day.
And now i have new playlist. All are newest song. If you kpop fan you probably know a lot of group debut this early years. I'm not liking every one of them. But i have to say they're pretty awesome. Such as Monsta X, so cool. Block B unit, Bastarz, i can't even describe it in word. And 24k who just made a comeback with Hey you. Kim sunggyu from Infinite also made a comeback. And not to mention Jun Hyosung, her song was so catchy, it's call Into You (eventhough i hate TS for making my baes BAP suffer i can't resist Hyosung charisma who can actually turn me on pmsl) and don't forget EXO Call me baby which still on my top most played song list 'till now. I'm also obsessed with Kdrama School 2015 and also the OST was just awesome. Love it and so recommended for you to watch it, Who Are You: School 2015.
A lot of great song, new song was on my playlist. But the song from my favorite group of all time will be always on top of them all. Listening to BAP's song bring memories and makes my heart aches. Sometimes anxious, somehow. I miss them so much. BAP is the reason i'm being so active online. BAP is the one who bring me to make social media so i can update about them. But i'm too scared to open my social media if then i find out bad news about BAP. I'm scared.
Ok this is going nowhere. I'm sorry i've been blabbering and talking shits nonstop. BUT if you stay to read until now YOU'RE AWESOME!
I'm trying to get my writing skill back so i decided to make a special section, like a journal, or more simple you can call it diary where i can write my daily schedule, what i've been doing for the day and what happen with section call "Bunny's FML" (Note: FML stand for fuck my life. Obviously)
I'm also obsessed with youtuber lately, esp youtuber who doing vlog. Vlog look so fun and exciting but since i'm not a youtuber and i'm awkward when i talk with my mouth i decided to write my vlog, get it? Lol. So yeah, i think that's it.
Thank you for reading, stay gorgeous <3
Xoxo
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